A: There are three basic possible theories to explain this type of behavior, each with its own potential solution (although the categories may overlap).

Theory # 1: Lazy, no-account, rotten bum. Thankfully, this is the rarest reason that men don't pitch in at home, because if someone just flat-out refuses to help out with chores, there's very little you can do to persuade him. Blunt threats may spur some helpful behavior, but this will be performed grudgingly and half-heartedly, and more times than not, the conscripted servant will find some way to passively-aggressively screw it up. What sometimes works is leaving a particular task that he relies on - like his laundry - conspicuously undone. Then when he asks where his shirts are, calmly and politely point out that you were too busy doing X, Y and Z this week, and that you'll get to the laundry when you can. However, if he can take over doing Y today, this will give you time to complete the chore he's waiting for. Then, try to fold this division of labor into a regular weekly schedule.

Theory # 2: Male prerogative. Lots of guys, including cops, see what they do on their jobs as "man's work," and what their wives do at home as "women's work." This is often despite the fact that the wife herself holds a full-time job in addition to her housekeeping duties. I've even seen this attitude in cop-couple families where both husband and wife are police officers. If your mate is of this macho mind-set, don't expect him to voluntarily unscrew his antlers and put on the apron any time soon. Instead, try to steer him toward more traditionally guy-type household chores, such as home repairs (what guy doesn't like to fix things?) or yard work. At least this will free you up to finish the girlie chores, so you'll have some free time.

Theory # 3: Overwhelmed. Even though it's hardly rocket science, it may surprise some spouses to learn that their otherwise well-meaning husbands may actually not know how to carry out many of the seemingly simplest household tasks. Face it: no one is born knowing how to work the settings of a washing machine, microwave, or dishwasher, and if the problem is simply a matter of skill deficit, give your spouse a gentle and supportive inservice training course and supervise a few run-throughs until he masters the technique. If that fails, encourage him to take over some chores that don't require extensive training and can be done more or less on "instinct," like taking the kids out for a day to give you a break.

Laurence Miller, PhD is a clinical, forensic, and consulting psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida, and police psychologist for the West Palm Beach Police Department. Dr. Miller can be reached at (561) 392-8881, or online at:
www.practicalpsych.com