A: "Normal," yes - in the sense that spouses sometimes feel overshadowed by their mates' achievements. But productive? No, no, no. The danger here is allowing something that should be a source of pride and joy to become a focus for resentment, strife, and self-defeat. There are a couple of reasons why this may occur.

Sometimes, it's his fault. If your husband is a "sore winner" and just loves to throw his accomplishments in your face, then it's not surprising that this ego-comparison game will get real old, real fast.

But more commonly, it's the spouse's own insecurity that does her in. Just because someone rises, doesn't mean you fall. Just because someone grows, doesn't mean you shrivel. Just because...well, you get it.

The way to re-even the playing field is to raise it to a whole new level. What can you do to advance your own career goals and achievements? Even if your work life is temporarily stuck in a rut, what about other areas of accomplishment? Family? Volunteer work? Taking some continuing education courses? A sport or hobby? Even starting a business? C'mon - you don't need me to make suggestions, you know what you're good at and what you like.

The best way to feel good about your mate's success is to have a domain of your own to excel in. It doesn't have to be the same domain - in fact, the more different it is, the less the chance of there being direct competition.

If you do all this, and you're still plagued with chronic feelings of emptiness and low self-esteem, it may be time to get professional help. Nobody should walk around feeling like a loser when they have real potential to succeed.

Laurence Miller, PhD is a clinical, forensic, and consulting psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida, and police psychologist for the West Palm Beach Police Department. Dr. Miller can be reached at (561) 392-8881, or online at:
www.practicalpsych.com