A: As a general rule, the job of policing - or any job for that matter - shouldn't automatically drain away every last drop of family energy, certainly not every day. There are at least two main reasons why police officers develop family intimacy problems, and these often come from opposite directions.

In the first case, the job really does have an effect. It's no surprise that police work can be stressful, and officers may shut down emotionally when they come home in order to remain "sealed over" from the painful pressures of the job. It's as if opening up emotionally to the family would risk vulnerability to the effects of the grime and slime the officer has had to deal with during his shift. Such stresses may also include administrative pressures and departmental squabbles.

In the second case, someone who's had longstanding problems with intimacy can find a ready excuse in the pressures of police work. Sometimes, marital and family stresses that have nothing to do with the job can be blamed on work to avoid dealing with them. In such cases, the officer may seem to be spending more and more time at work, almost as if he's looking for any excuse to avoid the home front.

For the first scenario, try "dosing" family time. A couple of hours on the weekend, when your officer has had time to decompress might be good for a relatively nonthreatening family outing to a movie or restaurant. If that works, increase the level and frequency of the "dose." Also, at first, try to let your officer pick the activities he likes. Obviously, it can't always be his way, but just to get things started, let him choose the movie, restaurant, or other family activity.

For the second scenario, try the strategy for the first scenario. If you encounter resistance or evasion, then the problem's most likely not just the job. You may have to confront the family situation gently but directly. Try to work out what's keeping you apart. If that fails, get professional help.

Finally, if possible, try to tease apart couple problems from kid problems. They're not always separable, but sometimes improving relationships with one member of the family at a time can lead to improved relationships with everyone. But beware of triangulation and favoritism - again, professional guidance can help here.

Laurence Miller, PhD is a clinical, forensic, and consulting psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida, and police psychologist for the West Palm Beach Police Department. Dr. Miller can be reached at (561) 392-8881, or online at:
www.practicalpsych.com